Afortunar

Madrid, at this point I really feel that this city is cursed for me. In these three days, I had the opportunity to recall all those memories that were deep down in do not ever come back here ever again memory land. I day dream what would have been if you would have been at the museum. Your soft two taps every single time you wanted my attention in the subway. Your witty eyes every single time you managed to annoy me. You were very sarcastic and very happy person overall, I wonder if you were like that because of what you lived during your childhood. Your parents divorcing and having a brother ill. My friend said to me last night, you know, I read somewhere that the reason why you cannot manage to move on is because you still have hope. I know, of course I have hope, how could I not have hope? What person would that make me? I hate that I care about you, so part of me wants to give up, and give this hope up. I wonder how are you? I wonder if you are happy, I wonder if you still think ab...

(Miércoles , 31 Marzo 2021 ) He tenido una epifanía con respecto a ello recientemente. Como en el deporte, muchas veces me pregunto qué hubiese tenido que haber hecho diferente para ganar ese partido. Y lo mismo me he preguntado durante todos estos años, qué pasó en ese momento particular de nuestra vida. Quizá no te acuerdes, y lo más seguro que nuestras recolecciones sobre los eventos difieran. Solo me acuerdo de que jugamos juntas, perdimos 3-2 un partido bastante apurado. Mi entrenadora me dejó irme con vuestro equipo y pasar la noche en vuestro hotel. Me diste la pulsera que ponía "I will always be there for you" y me la puse aunque me quedaba grande, me acuerdo la ilusión que me hizo. Molesté a tu compi casi toda la noche por razón alguna y nos dormimos abrazadas en la cama porque al día siguiente te tenías que ir. Al día siguiente te ibas, y yo empezaba mi campeonato, hacía sol y estábamos en la salida del pabellón. Entre nuestras amigas y más personas nos estábamos de...

(Monday 16 Aug, 2021) Hace mucho, mucho tiempo que no escribo en español, es otra de mis partes que a lo largo de los años he decidido abandonar, al igual que el proceso de intentar abandonarte, y al mismo tiempo esperar encontrarte en las calles agitadas de Madrid, en las fotos de mi galería, en los documentos de mis archivos, en los libros de otros autores, o en las películas mismas. Te busco pero no te encuentro, a la vez me acuerdo de aquellos momentos nuestros, solo nuestros, donde solo existíamos tu y yo, en el que nos habíamos olvidado del aquel mundo de afuera. Dicen que el tiempo cura todas las heridas, quizá duelen un poquito menos, pero me pregunto si el tiempo en algún momento se llevara este sentimiento de arrepentimiento. Mi vida ha dejado de tener sentido desde hace un tiempo y me pregunto si lo volverá a tener otra vez algún día. Tengo la sensación de que un fantasma esta viviendo por mí. Solo cuando yo me miro al espejo es cuando veo la cara del fantasma en frente de m...

18 de Abril de 2017 Todavía recuerdo las veces que me preguntabas como estaba, y aquel sentimiento de ser comprendida con la mi respuesta, aunque la respuesta fuese engañosa. Esto es quizá, una pérdida de tiempo, aunque también creo que quizá deba hacerlo. Es por el que he conocido este nivel de estar conectado a una persona, que no quiero experimentar nada que se acerque o exceda mis expectativas. Quizá nunca suceda, y no pasa nada, ya me he hecho a la idea, y estoy en paz con ello. Cada vez que creo que doy unos pasos hacia delante, hay algo que siempre tira de mí otros mini pasitos hacia atrás. Lo que tuvimos fue unprecedente. Un nivel de conexión que jamás pensé que era posible alcazar con un ser humano. Recuerdo estar en una conversación en grupo y saber que la otra persona al otro extremo, sabía exactamente lo que estaba pensando con solo una mirada. A veces me doy cuenta de que el ser humano no esta hecho para guardar secretos, sino para compartir esos secretos sin ser juzgado....

 People might think I’m obsess and I couldn’t care less. My feelings for you are honest since the day to you I promised. I am writing this out of sadness hoping to overcome this madness.

 I miss you forever, but there is only one reality. I might love forever, but there is only one reality. Perhaps, this is it. “Love is just a tool to remind us who we are.”

One of my favorite authors wrote in one of my favorite novels… “We only remember what never happened.” – Carlos Ruiz Zafón, Marina. I would remember those words throughout time, and like Oscar (the protagonist of the novel), I only now understand its meaning. Inspired by Mr. Zafón essays and novels, I have written a short Christmas story. I remember wearing my coat uninterested over my shoulders and walking in shorts of that city that was slightly becoming white dressed by snow. I was dragging myself and my bag throughout the city to meet my friends. I was sweating under my coat after the match, but as I walked bearing my legs I felt the coldness of that winter. I couldn’t spare putting my trousers over my shorts. It was the sharp type of coldness, as if the air would cut small wounds in my legs. I wouldn’t have considered myself a weird child, but rather a shy kid and by default some kind of wallflower. I was trying to fit it, so adults would not call me out, or worse, that they would...

Yesterday, after a forced 6 minutes and 51 seconds of conversation with who used to be one of my closest friends and now an acquaintance, I learned that somethings aren't just supposed to grow close again. Now, by “somethings” I mean friendships. My friend and I used to talk for long hours nonstop. Time has passed and it seems we have both changed and while it is a pity to have lost the future of what our friendship could have been, I can acknowledge how much I have gained from this lost friendship. Life is messy and this was how I made my life decision right. It is easy to define yourself when you are surrounded by people. But do you know who you are when the lights comes off, people leave, and you are home all by yourself with your thoughts? Discovering that self was somewhat scary at first. However, now I feel way more comfortable being alone, while before I associated being alone with loneliness. Also, I have learned to appreciate people more to be less judgmental and to accept...

Te encontré una tarde en que nada se encuentra bajo la intensa llama del sol de medianoche. Me acerqué de lejos a ti y me invadió tu calma en la ventisca ingrata de aquel lugar sin viento. Y te añoré sin conocerte, y te quise sin querer y te llamé en silencio cuando me olvidé del tiempo. Y por no acercarme a tí, ahí, en ese preciso instante en el que jamás te tuve, te perdi.

My dearest, I hope you had a good christmas. I am saddened  that you have to go back early. I am hoping you will take this gift, unlike last time. I have been thinking, why I have not let you read my diary. Here is why, because it talks about you extensively, about my fears of losing you ever since we met. My fears of you never talking to me again, that each time we fought it would be the last time we’d be friends. It felt like the end of the world. That I will disappear into oblivion and I would be that person you once knew back in the days. In hindsight, I can say that what kept us together was my fear of losing things, of dying, of hurting you. That fear went away at some point, because you were such a rock, always reassuring me, being there. I started to really think, our friendship would last against any storm. I lacked wisdom, because friendship lasts against any storm only if one cares for it. Not taken care of and it fails apart like a house of cards, with the slightest bre...