Christmas

My dearest,

I hope you had a good christmas. I am saddened  that you have to go back early. I am hoping you will take this gift, unlike last time.

I have been thinking, why I have not let you read my diary. Here is why, because it talks about you extensively, about my fears of losing you ever since we met. My fears of you never talking to me again, that each time we fought it would be the last time we’d be friends. It felt like the end of the world. That I will disappear into oblivion and I would be that person you once knew back in the days.

In hindsight, I can say that what kept us together was my fear of losing things, of dying, of hurting you. That fear went away at some point, because you were such a rock, always reassuring me, being there. I started to really think, our friendship would last against any storm. I lacked wisdom, because friendship lasts against any storm only if one cares for it. Not taken care of and it fails apart like a house of cards, with the slightest breeze it crumbles down.

I reminisced about the first time you called me on the phone. It was an afternoon at home in my room, you called and I didn’t dare to pick up because I was too shy to speak with you. Then, the second time you called, I remember picking up nervously and fearing that I would not know what to say, that we would remain in silence over the line. At the beginning we never fought and I think that was because I was terribly frightened of losing you.

Perhaps you never changed, perhaps only I changed. I have changed during all this time, I have grown a bit taller, a bit fatter, matured, and I am hypocritical in some aspects of life, in others, more hopeful. Undoubtedly I have learnt a valuable lesson about life itself and people I care about. These learnings have come by making mistakes, saying wrong things at the right time, to be hurt by love, to expect things without saying, to think that others are wizards and that magic solves it all… To simply letting time pass and not doing anything to change.

There is no one person that regrets it more than I. Now, I see the good things of what all that happened, because if this would have not happened, I would never have realised what I was doing.  That I would have kept hurting people without realising. I see myself a bit more mature than months before and at the same time a bit more lonely and that’s okay. I am settling with what I have, a mind clarity or better said, of less confusion.

I know you, and you know me. However much I have changed, I am still that 14 year old girl that runs around trying to get your attention, that does not want to be just another friend of yours, that looks away when embarrassed, that does not want to lose you for anything in the world. I am still a coward in many regards, because I do not know how to tell these things with words out of my mouth. I have to secretly write this, hoping you won’t read this in front of me so I don’t turn red, fearing for what you would say next.

Yours always. 

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